Suffering Silently

For a while, I've been suffering silently.

From the discovery of my tumor, to questioning my identity, and now to my grandmother dying, this unit [Editor's Note: we are currently in Stage V of the Fellowship, focusing on Religion, Faith, Spirituality, and Doubt) has specifically been hitting really close to home for me.

I remember after the first meeting of the religion unit I cried to myself softly. I wanted to talk about my struggles but every time I tried to open up, I froze. I never really expressed it, but I've been questioning my faith privately. It has been a while since I prayed. I still believe in God, that's one thing I know for sure. But for me personally I've always questioned why bad things always happen to good people. It's a thought that has always been racking my brain.

My questioning began two years ago after I was diagnosed with Fibroadenoma. I was angry with God for a while, and I started to get into more fights with my parents. Sophomore year was a scary time for me.

I haven't prayed since then.

At one point I felt like God wasn't listening – so I stopped caring. It was hard going through that stage in my life and not having anyone to run to at the time. I felt like I was going to hell for a while because I was questioning my faith. I haven't prayed in over two years, but today I went to church and asked God or whoever up there who was listening to lay their hands on my grandma and heal her. The doctors have already told us that she's dying, but I can't just picture it. I want her to see me graduate this June, and it saddens me to know that she won't even make it before March hits. I just wanted to say to tell your loved ones you love them, before it's too late.